My dearest children,
What we have probably all gone through these last 7 years has probably been horrific for all, painful for all, and difficult for all. Certainly for me ……..
“Death is easier, it is so final.”
In 2010 I lost my children, it may as well have been my death, it could not have been more painful. It was not a choice I would have wanted, it is certainly something I have struggled to accept. I have spent more than 7 years crying over losing you from my life, whilst nothing removes the many years of memories of you in my arms, the pain of all those future memories we would have had is something I will never forgive myself for, the pain I caused you all, the regret of the way I handled a difficult situation, not being able to share everything which formed my decisions, nor being able to live with myself at the decisions made.
During these 7 years I have had endless counselling with a one to one counsellor, to deal with the issues I had within myself, I communicated with so many online support groups, I learnt unbelievably how common estrangement is. A double barrelled estrangement – my parents from me, and my children from me. What sort of monster must I be.
I have been through every emotion, anger, bitterness, loss grief, and now, finally acceptance. I will never ever ever stop aching for you, wanting you, praying and hoping for you to look in my eyes and hold me in your arms once more, but I have to stop punishing myself, hating myself, and forgive myself, because believe me however being apart from you has punished me, my mind and heart have punished me more.
The time has come to no longer cling on in hope, hoping that with age and maturity and forgiveness we would somehow reconcile. Clearly after 7 years and all that has happened within that time, it is never ever going to happen. All I am left with is memories a time which has gone, and the fact all my tears, pain and despising myself has been for nothing, no amount of pain tears or sorrow or prayer would ever change my outcome.
I have to try and close the book, I just can’t allow myself that kind of pain and the loss of my own quality of life. They say, “The first cut is the deepest” and maybe after that much grief you learn to come back quicker.
It has been a long sad rainstorm, and just like after any good long rain, when it ends, the sun should hopeflly shine even brighter.
Soon will be the 7th anniversary of my seeing my children’s heartbreak at my leaving, the ensuing anger at the mess I left behind, the never ending guilt I felt then and now at what I have done.
I believe August 2015, was a huge turning point, my father died, I his first born was not only not told there was an active conspiracy to keep the news from me, however much grief everyone else felt, imagine, grieving alone, with no one to turn to about my dad’s death. The father who has sent me letters, which I have read over and over saying I am his number one, saying nothing would stop him loving me, the father who I knew good and bad about, but at the end of the day, however good or bad someone may have been they don’t deserve to die, they don’t deserve to die without their family around them and their loved ones don’t deserve to not be informed. I often think to myself did any of you once think how would you would have felt if your father had died and no one told you. Can you imagine the pain, the guilt, the if only’s I have been through. But I tell myself it is all my fault, my father did not want me when he died, nor did he want me at his funeral, he hated me, despised me, along with everyone else.
Our tears are important for cleansing and for clearing the way and after the tears it can be and should be an opportunity to reset. My way of coping was to do something dad would have liked, I went to church, I took holy communion, I asked for forgiveness and a strange sense of calm came over me, as My wheelchair carried me back home. I have things here of dad’s, his medals, his racing books, his letters, photos, things I would have liked to have passed to mum at her time of sorrow, but she too hates me, which is why I have sent the request that my words, be passed on to her so that if nothing else I know I have had at least a chance to say what she means to me, I also sent a mothers day card, which I hope finds its way to her.
There is life after loss, there is life after sadness … we just have to want it!
I could talk about each of you individually, maybe in time I will, but for now, as a cumulative I just want to say something I have never been able to say without there being a “but” following it.
I am so so sorry for the pain I caused each and every one of you, I have ached for you every day of my life since I left, I have woken each day thinking maybe today is the day you will find it in your heart to extend me some forgiveness and allow me back in your life. I know that may never be as your mum again, but as a friend, a new beginning, with none of the past issues being a part of that, or is it a case that in itself that is never going to happen because the more you have all pulled together with the wider family, the further away is the chance you would ever wish to lose face with your mum.
I can never make you love me, like me, or even be interested in me, but I console myself that surely you all cant honestly be just waiting for me to be dead and gone so you can close the book on me. I know I wasnt a perfect mum, what is a perfect mum? But I loved you cared for you, gave birth to you, cherished you, fed you from my breast, nursed you in my arms, watched with pride as you took your first steps, and started to gain independence as you grew up.
My children, I am not expecting you to return to me as my children because I am not so well, I am not expecting you to rush into my arms and hold me so tight until I cant breathe, but contact in the form of an occasional “like” or “comment” I thought might have been a start.
There are things I would like to share with you, isn’t that when family matters, well for me anyhow, when I went to hospital – when I was asked before theatre had I any family I wanted contacted should anything go wrong, embarrassed having to say my family did not want to be part of my life.
But this is not about me, not really, it is simply to say to each of you, I am so so so very sorry to all of you, for all the pain, stress and anguish my selfish actions caused.
However like it or not, I am your one and only mum and this mum will forever love you